When the senior editor handed me this assignment, my neural network short-circuited and proceeded directly to Defcon Four. I figured this to be the perfect chance to voice my opinion as to, if I may quote Rush, "The way things ought to be."
   I went home, sat at my word processor, and drafted a marvelously poignant article. In it, I illustrated all the outlandish wrong-doings in today's society and concentrated primarily on issues regarding the ever-growing misconceptions and malpractices of today's misguided youth. I then outlined roughly seven other installments ranging from basic loss of family values and ethics to more complex issues, such as the acceptable level of violence and injustices worldwide. Around midnight, I finished and read it through.
   A work of sheer brilliance! Finally, I had, in writing, every little thing about people that thoroughly annoyed me. And boy, can people annoy me. Like those nimrods who go around lamely impersonating Beavis and Butthead- "Uh..huh, huh, cool!" They should be taken out back and cruelly beaten to a bloody pile of Pulp Fiction. Yep- "shot on general principles." Honestly, how can anyone believe in a Supreme Being when certain individuals are not struck dead by lightning... repeatedly.
   Following the realization that I had succeeded in verbalizing my hostility toward society in general, there came a moment of catharsis. The problem had been identified. No doubt about it, I had located, zeroed in on, and blown the problem out of proportion. Now came what alcoholics refer to as "a moment of clarity." I had blown the problem immensely out of proportion! Moreover, I had willfully contributed to it.
   Sure, I identified the issue. Actually, to be exact, I had beaten it into the ground. Is there a problem with today's world? Yes. Should we care? Definitely. Can U.S.S. America's present course be altered to avoid smashing into the lighthouse? As former New York mayor Mario Cuomo stated a couple of years ago, the course must change if America is to continue to thrive as a first world power.
   And there is the rub, the key that offers hope. It was also the key that I chose to ignore. To identify the problem is not enough. Harping on it like an old curmudgeon is not helpful. We need to offer solutions; serious and reasonable solutions based on objective reasoning and free of bias or cynicism.
   Furthermore, we must remember that there are two sides to every story, except in regard to the Pentagon- you know, that large building in Virginia with five sides on every issue. And there is no one underlying truth or solution. Hence, who the heck am I to offer those solutions? My purpose in this series is to merely analyze the current status quo and leave it in the hands of the informed, competent reader to find the solution which best suits that individual. My purpose is not to write the slanted, over-biased drivel I wrote last night.
   Now don't worry, in future articles you can expect the same cynical humor presented in this one, but please remember that it is all in humor. And that you always... only find what you look for.
   And, as I close, I realize that the strongest proof of God's existence is the fact that God helps those who help themselves.

-Holden Caulfield, editor